How I Feel Living With Panic Disorder and Depression

My greatest fear is that I will never live the life I wanted. That I will be controlled by my fears and keep myself prisoner in my own mental prison serving a life sentence that I sentenced myself to. I am afraid that I will never truly know what love and passion are and that I will never be completely free to give my whole heart to one person. I fear everyday that I’m going to die from some unknown force in the universe that is out to get me when I already know that my scared mind is the only thing I have to fear. My dreams have all been canceled by unrealistic fear of dieing which have made me afraid to live. I find reasons and excuses not to escape. I am suffering from stockholms syndrome and I’m sympathetic to only me because I have held my self hostage for the last 13 years. The door in front of me is wide open and I cower in the corner afraid of what might be on the other side of the entry way. My Mind screams that it is a trap and I must stay while my heart is fighting to runaway. No one understands and think that snapping out of it is what I should do and in my head I’m screaming “it’s not that easy, can’t you see,if it was that simple why would keep myself prisoner of this horrid nightmare that never ends.”
And if I ever break free for even just a moment I’m right there with handcuffs to bring myself back in. How do escape your capturer when your capturer is always one step ahead of you? Someone must win and I’m afraid I won’t survive the fight. I am my own worst enemy. I am drowning in my sorrow and even though the surface is right there I can’t seem swim, I have shackled my self to the anchor which keeps there. And the whole time I’m yelling “Why can’t I just let me go and live the life I dreamed of?” But no one can hear me for I have built my walls with a sound barrier.


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